Hi everyone! Welcome to the Parent Partner! This month I wanted to talk about a slip-up I made in my personal profession and how that may affect some situations, especially relating to de-escalation techniques and intentional language to use with you child in these moments.
Earlier this month, I was working with one of my pediatric patients in in-home therapy. I asked him how his day was and he began to tantrum, by kicking and lunging towards me. This was not something unusual for him, however my reaction was different than it was in the previous sessions.
During this week, I started telling this patient that he was “responsible” and a “big boy” as reinforcing language when he was completing a task. An example of this is when he put his clean clothes and socks in their respective drawers, to which I would tell him “Good work [name]! You are so responsible!” The issue arose when I could not differentiate when it was appropriate to use this language. During the now five-minute tantrum that my patient was experiencing, I said “you are a big boy, once you take a few deep breaths and calm down, we can try the greeting again.”
My supervisor was looking in, and let me know that using the term “big boy” was not appropriate for this situation. This was her message during: “This would be a good time to use the wait strategy. Since you set the contingency, wait for him to calm down. Remember, we want to avoid using “ you’re a big boy” as it can be a damaging phrase. You can say “we’ve got big feelings today!” and give him at least 10 seconds of an absence of challenging behavior before we present the demand again.”
I am very glad that my supervisor brought this to my attention! I should not have used the term “big boy” in this context, as this patient was already frustrated, and it was not being used as a reinforcement or term of endearment. This comment may have placed higher expectations on him in a situation that he could not navigate yet (although a conversational greeting may seem mundane and regular to us). Although this was practice for greetings and social reciprocity, I offered other verbal prompts for him to choose from, such as "I'm mad," "I'm sad," or "I'm tired" instead of responding "I'm fine."
After a few minutes, he said "I'm sad" and manded for a hug. I gave him a huge hug and reinforced him for calming down and using his words. I also apologized to him for saying "you're a big boy" outside of the context we previously used it in. I wanted this patient to feel safe and for him to have trust in me for the rest of session. As adults, sometimes we have to apologize to our kiddos because it allows them to feel heard and lets them know that we can recognize our mistakes and do better in the future.
As mentioned in 'The "Ins" and "Outs" to a Great 2026 For You and Your Child with Autism,' de-escalation starts with limited verbal stimulation. One way to aid de-escalation is by limiting language, and giving your child that space to let out their emotions before they decide to calm down. Another step to de-escalation that we see here is to not use potentially harmful language during the time where you should be having open communication with your kiddo. Don't ramp up the pressure; acknowledge their feelings in the moment and provide ample time before reintroducing your demands.
Moments like this one remind me that you and I are always learning, whether we take on the parental role or the professional one. Everyone in your child's safety network contributes to their growth, but it's also important to recognize when we mess up. This was an amazing opportunity for me to reflect and grow as well. Apologizing to my patient was the first step towards modeling accountability while building trust with my patient. Thank you so much for allowing me to be vulnerable enough to share this learning moment with you all! If you're still reading this far, I know that you are a compassionate person who cares for the children in your life. They are so lucky to have you and appreciate how much you show up everyday, even when you're still learning with them along the way.
Thank you so much for reading my blog! Please check out the other amazing blogs on the site! Don't hesitate to comment or send an email to theparentpartnertpp@gmail.com if you have any topic suggestions, resources, or questions!
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